~ Wow...today is the first time I'm reading this post that I wrote back in 2017, and can I just say how important it is not only to document your journey, but also reflect on how far you've come? To preserve the integrity of that season of my life, I did not revise or change anything. I want this to be as real and raw as possible so... let's dive right in! ~
Written on August 17, 2017
Welcome to the Journey! To be quite honest, I am a little nervous to begin writing the things held within my heart because any form of expression requires a rawness of heart and an open soul. But Hey, it's through our experiences that God makes us into the people we are meant to be for His mission and for the Glory of His kingdom! So less go!
It all started when I was a mere child in the pew of a Catholic church, waiting to receive candy (not communion) from the old couple that always sat next to my family. I mean, that was what church was about for me at that time, getting candy and singing beautiful songs. I always knew that God was to be first in our lives and that we should pray every day but I never took that seriously. A personal relationship with God did not exist for me. I didn't even know what love meant until now, and I still have a long way to go.
Growing up, I lived peacefully with the idea that God was just there working. With a part of that being true the part of me doing zero work was not a part of the plan. What I realize now that I hadn't known then, was that I lived for myself and my own dreams. I did not think of the difference I could make in the lives of others, or even in the lives of my family members at home by the Love and Mercy that is Christ.
A few years ago, around the age of 17, I got into a relationship that I wasn't quite ready for. This was the time that I was most away from God and every aspect of who I was and what I believed in lied in the words of a man instead of the heart of God. This relationship was not a holy one but one full of toxicity and codependency. Because we did not discover God's love, we did not know how to love ourselves nor one another. I put this man above all and changed every aspect of myself to fit his ideal, from the clothes that I would wear to the music I listened to (so you can imagine what breaking up did to my self-worth, my confidence and most importantly my identity) ... No longer being a part of the only love that I thought existed, destroyed me. I felt as if my instability was shaking the world around me and I went nowhere feeling secure or confident. There were days of loneliness, days of anger, and days where I no longer knew the significance of the path I was treading. I didn’t even know what I enjoyed anymore because I had lost myself completely.
I began to search for comfort and fill the emptiness I felt within with the things of this world. Absolutely nothing filled my heart but I pretended they did because that was easier than facing the truth. The truth was that I was broken. The truth was that I was a flower crumbled into hundreds of pieces in the hands of someone who did not know the worth of that flower, and what that flower meant to our savior.
Then one morning during the darkest of waters, I left class because of the heaviness of my heart. I ran back to my dorm and as the weakness was eating me alive, I felt a rush of peace in my heart that was on the verge of a breakthrough. As I sat there waiting for an answer, I opened the small Jesus Calling that was sitting next to me and flipped to the date. For the first time in months, I had a taste of hope that had been relentlessly sucked out of me. I wish I remembered the words that I read or bookmarked the page, but if I did I would perhaps recall the memories God wanted me to forget.
All I remember is that it spoke straight to my innermost being and made me open the Bible to a verse that I was unfamiliar with at the time...
“Rise up my love. Come with me my beautiful one” (Song of Solomon 2:10).
These sweet words gently touched the open wounds of my heart. For the first time in months, I felt free.
There, in that moment I surrendered. I surrendered everything I thought I knew and I desired to start a new journey with God. A new journey of self-discovery and finally becoming the courageous, kind, and adventurous woman I've always looked up to. I had no idea where I was headed or where to begin, but He did. That was enough for me. All I had to do was follow behind, cling tight to His hand, and trust Him. He would be the one to lead me home, and He would put my broken pieces back together.
That was the moment when the Lord awakened my spirit and began to work within me. I finally said yes to Him and allowed Him to renew my heart and change my life! I started small. Every day I would open the page of the marked day in Jesus Calling and read verses that said:
"Place all your trust in Jesus.
He loves you and the battle is His, not yours."
Every single day, I replaced the negative lies that evil placed into my mind with the words I read, "Jesus, I trust you."
Even if it was hard to believe in that moment. Simple verses like "Trust me" and "Take it one day at a time" were my light on the darkest of days. After some time, I began going to the Catholic Student Center at my university, and little by little, through retreats, the sacraments, and the beautiful community- He peeled, healed, and revealed my true heart.
The Lord began to peel the protective layers of my heart that I fiercely guarded and He slowly exposed my heart to the real me. I felt the strength within me starting to build and I started discovering new sides about myself that were buried under fear and insecurity before. This was not easy, those protective layers were sewed in deep, but He gently untangled each knot and uncovered the Truth that I am His Beloved Daughter.
It is through those moments of darkness that I can get up every morning with gladness, hear the birds singing, and stare at the butterflies for hours- where my stubbornness has turned into sensitivity.
It is through that weakness that I can now face adversity because if Jesus carried me then, He will surely pick me up now. It is through those times that I can finally carry the cross I once dragged.
I look now with a heart of thankfulness to every event of my past because I wouldn’t be the woman of God I am today without the sufferings of yesterday. Over time, God has renewed my mind and healed my heart. He has taken me through deep waters and walked me through burning fire, without once letting go. As he still does TODAY! We’ve got to trust, let go, be thankful, and ask God to open our eyes. We must be unafraid and let Him to peel the layers of our hearts so we are no longer blinded by the things of this world. All we've got to do is follow the path of light, and He will show you how.
You see, sometimes our darkest moments have us feeling buried but really we have just
been planted.
So Bloom.
I believe we all have a mission in this life and the things we do every day lead up to that. Although I don't know my mission exactly, I'm just going along God's adventurous journey, trying not to worry about the future. So here I am, a college student, sippin' on a cup of joe, and finally fulfilling this desire to write. I wanted a space where I could express my heart for the Lord and all that He's teaching me. A place not necessarily for the eyes of others (although all are welcome) but somewhere I could just write the truth of my journey, because it's a worthwhile one.
I've never felt freer than in this time of my life, with Jesus by my side. We are all Free through God. I cannot imagine living without Him. He is the one who accepts us in our weaknesses and strengthens us in our brokenness. He is the one that forgives all and loves unconditionally. I am in love with Jesus and this unending faith because I'm at home when I think of Him and absolutely Nothing can compare to this.
So, take a chance, let go a little, and allow whatever happens- to just happen.
Know that God is alive and working behind the scenes. He is real, He loves you, and the battle you are facing right now may not seem to be victorious, but Jesus has won that battle already!
He is there with you right now and all you've got to do is trust. Have Hope in God because we are free with God, my beautiful friends.
With Warmest Love,
Patrizia Isabella Planzo
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